An Explanation

Sorry I haven’t posted anything in quite a while. I’ve been caught up in various time consuming activies and haven’t had five minutes to myself over the past week or so.

One of the things that really gets me down about my life is that I have yet to discover what I want to achieve with myself – what my final goal should be. I don’t see the light at the tunnel because I haven’t yet decided which tunnel to take and how far to walk down it. It’s one of the continuous, conscious thoughts that I have – perpetually in a state of wanting to try and achieve something, anything – and then trying to outdo that. Unfortunately it’s also very depressing to be in constant competition with oneself and the fact that this bothers me is most likely a flaw (should I claim that?) in my personality. For example, I am good with computers in general. I can apply myself to a wide variety of tasks with genuine interest and work at that for a while with some achievement. That is a handy skill but it’s also an unwanted distraction, because it leaves me with no clear scope for progression in any particular area – it’s a fog. When at a junction faced with 10 roads you err and umm about which one to take – with only one road you follow that with no second thought. I don’t know at the moment what I want to do with my life; where I’m headed or in fact if anything significant can or will come out of it.

I have been told that recently I’m becoming more isolated. Not socially (if anything I’ve become more outgoing), but emotionally and mentally. I’m often aggressive when I shouldn’t be; unsympathic and cold. I can also feel that and although it doesn’t bother me directly – I don’t want to see the relationships with my friends dither because of it, and should any of my friends read this I apologise. It’s not what I want, but I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it.

I’m not sure whether I’ve hit a low in my life. I hope not, but at the same time I can feel things bearing down. Admittedly when I am “stressed” I probably bring it unto myself. I do too much – but again my personality contributes to this, and again I can’t seem to put things off – I am always convinced that I have more time. That I waste too much time. That I can be better.

Why am I writing this? Quite simply to get it out of my system. I have good friends, but I don’t have any intimately close friends who I am comfortable talking at this level to. It’s ironic that the only solace I find is by posting this to an anonymous audience – but it’s an outlet and at the moment I need that. I’ve never had a diary – I tried once – but it didn’t achieve enough for me to keep writing to it.

However, while a pessimist for the moment in hand, I am an optimist for the horizon. Now I’ve written this, I can hopfully get back to doing whatever I happen to be doing. I know I’m smart enough to do something with my life – I just need to find out what, and hopefully every day when I wake up I’m just that bit closer to finding my own purpose.