One of the things that really gets me down about my life is that I have yet to discover what I want to achieve with myself – what my final goal should be. I don’t see the light at the tunnel because I haven’t yet decided which tunnel to take and how far to walk down it. It’s one of the continuous, conscious thoughts that I have – perpetually in a state of wanting to try and achieve something, anything – and then trying to outdo that. Unfortunately it’s also very depressing to be in constant competition with oneself and the fact that this bothers me is most likely a flaw (should I claim that?) in my personality. For example, I am good with computers in general. I can apply myself to a wide variety of tasks with genuine interest and work at that for a while with some achievement. That is a handy skill but it’s also an unwanted distraction, because it leaves me with no clear scope for progression in any particular area – it’s a fog. When at a junction faced with 10 roads you err and umm about which one to take – with only one road you follow that with no second thought. I don’t know at the moment what I want to do with my life; where I’m headed or in fact if anything significant can or will come out of it.
I have been told that recently I’m becoming more isolated. Not socially (if anything I’ve become more outgoing), but emotionally and mentally. I’m often aggressive when I shouldn’t be; unsympathic and cold. I can also feel that and although it doesn’t bother me directly – I don’t want to see the relationships with my friends dither because of it, and should any of my friends read this I apologise. It’s not what I want, but I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it.
I’m not sure whether I’ve hit a low in my life. I hope not, but at the same time I can feel things bearing down. Admittedly when I am “stressed” I probably bring it unto myself. I do too much – but again my personality contributes to this, and again I can’t seem to put things off – I am always convinced that I have more time. That I waste too much time. That I can be better.
Why am I writing this? Quite simply to get it out of my system. I have good friends, but I don’t have any intimately close friends who I am comfortable talking at this level to. It’s ironic that the only solace I find is by posting this to an anonymous audience – but it’s an outlet and at the moment I need that. I’ve never had a diary – I tried once – but it didn’t achieve enough for me to keep writing to it.
However, while a pessimist for the moment in hand, I am an optimist for the horizon. Now I’ve written this, I can hopfully get back to doing whatever I happen to be doing. I know I’m smart enough to do something with my life – I just need to find out what, and hopefully every day when I wake up I’m just that bit closer to finding my own purpose.